With your soft baby voice I heard you say Mama, mama – what I would do now to hear you say my name again. I remember you calling my name for a little while before all your words faded away. My heart aches now and always will that I did not record you speaking. I had no idea back then that I would wait years for your voice to come back to me. I am still waiting and I always will. I don’t think anyone can ever prepare a mother for the realisation that they may never hear their child’s voice.
I dream so many nights that you can speak and we talk all night about all the things you have wanted to say for all these years. All the special things you have been keeping to yourself for these past 6 years. We stay up all night laughing, talking, hugging, we cry a little but they are happy tears as finally we can talk and say all we have wanted to say to each other.
You tell me why sometimes you cry quietly to yourself, why you laugh so happily when you hear “your” songs come on the radio. You tell me why you only like certain drinks, certain foods. You answer all the questions I have asked you over the years, even when I thought you didn’t hear me I realise now you were always listening.
When I wake in the morning I finally realise how much I really miss hearing you when my tears tumble down, breaking off another piece of my heart as they fall. Quickly I wipe away my tears when I see you coming into my room – I never tell you how my heart breaks, I don’t want to hurt you.
I tell you every day “Mammy loves Conor”, sometimes you smile back, your eyes beam as they look deeply in to my own. At those moments I know that no spoken words could ever speak as loudly as the way you look at me.
I don’t know why but when your fifth birthday was coming up it really hit me hard that it had been almost five years since I last heard your lovely voice. I just remember driving along the road crying to myself and picturing the number 5.
I have always been hopeful that you would speak. When your words went away many years ago I told Hailey that you would be talking by the time you were five. I really believed back then that when you turned five you would be speaking.
Your fifth birthday came and went, your beautiful voice did not come with it. You had a lovely birthday party when you turned five but I remember crying in the bathroom that day as I realised sometimes dreams may not come true.
But then you reminded me with your special smile you give when you want to say “are you ok mammy?” that we “talk” in our own special way. A lingering hug, a kiss upon your beautiful head reminds me how loved you feel and how much love you have to give each day.
I will always wait for you now and forever more, whether your beautiful voice is to come or it never will because I love you and I know you love me too. You don’t ever have to say those words for me to know.
Tonight and every night before I go to sleep, I make a wish. I wish that you will always know how much I love you. I wish that the world will always be kind to you and someday if I my dreams do ever come true I will hear your beautiful voice say Mama, just one more time.
I love you now and I will love you still, whether your words will come or they never will.
I’l love you forever Conor.xx
Having a non-verbal child is the reality for so many families in to day’s world. I never imagined I would ever have to beg God to help my little son speak, the fact that I have to beg now for Conor aswell as Jack is so heartbreaking I cannot begin to tell you.x It is a heartache I live every single day. My most favorite thing to do when I go to children’s parties with Hailey or the boys is listen to the chatter of little children as they talk to each other. It overwhelms my heart when I hear them as it breaks my heart but makes my heart all at once. I wish everyday that someday soon that chatter will fill my home.x
For heartbroken brave parents just like me I have shared this personal piece in the hope that by my sharing it, it will help raise awareness of that very real heartbreak so many families feel on a daily basis.
I am thankful every single day for Hailey, Conor and Jack. I will wait forever to hear Conor and now baby Jack speak. x I will love them just the same if their beautiful words do not come but oh how I wish they would.x
Please share this post to help raise awareness.xx
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