Love has no words
On the tough days when every thing has gone wrong I just want to hide away. Pull the covers up over my head and not come out until it all magically gets better. Being a Mammy means on those days you put the kettle on, pour another cup of courage and fight another day. Doubt and guilt follow me as often as night turns into day. I could be a better mammy, I could spend more time with each of my little ones, I should be doing more therapy with the boys, I should be giving more attention to Hailey, I could be telling them more often I love them.
Hailey always helps that doubt, guilt and fear fade away. Watching Hailey kiss the top of Conor’s head this morning after he bumped it made be feel so at peace. I must be doing something right. I watched her as I stood quietly to the side as she bent down and gave Conor a soft kiss to the top of his head, rubbing his shoulders she said “It’s ok Bubba (her special name she calls Conor), all better now“. He looked back at her with a sad smile and my heart broke a little more. For all the self doubt I have as a mother to my three lovely little people it fades away when I see how happy they can make each other.
The way Conor lights up when Hailey gives him a hug, the way Jack grins from ear to ear when Hailey swoops in for a hug, when Conor smiles as Jack follows him around like a little shadow- the only way I can describe it is peace. At those very moments all goes silent, my fear, doubt, guilt and pain fade away silently and for those moments I am at peace and so thankful for the love they share.x
Every parent worries about the day they will not be here to look after, love, hug and hold their children. I worry constantly, the anxiety it brings over whelms, taking your breath just as quickly. When you have two little boys; unable to speak; who have an undeniable innocence that may never leave them I know I have to be here for them, for every step of their life journey.
Yet when I see Hailey, Conor and Jack together I feel hopeful of the future. The love they have for each other is profound, without ever uttering a single word to her I can see the love they feel and have for her. She tells them all the time she loves them, making up special names that she calls them Conor is “Bubba” and baby Jack is “Jaa Goalees” I have no idea why but she likes to call them that and they smile when they hear their special names being called by their lovable big sister.
They in turn always take her by the hand and lead her off to play with them. I have cried many times in my life over the sorrow a special needs journey can bring but at those moments the tears that come are full of happiness at how lucky I have been to the mother of three amazing children whose love transcends all words, when a look can say it all.
Today as I watch three of the bravest children I know play silently beside me on the floor, looking deeply into each other’s eyes to communicate, I know; I have been blessed to experience the real love they share. It catches my throat as I watch how they look so intently at each other, the love shining from their happy faces. I know they are not lonely in those moments.
For today and every day when I feel doubt , fear and guilt, I will look at the smiling faces that look back at me, the little hands that hold each other tight, see that love has no words and feel at peace in the love they share in those special moments.