Conor Finds His Voice

Conors Voice

This boy I am sitting with in this photo is the only reason I am still here ❤️ 
We have been through so much together from the very start, the night he was born changed everything I am and everything I thought I knew about living ❤️

Conor is my book of life, what I base all my life decisions on, he is my reason.❤️ 

He saved me on the nights I drove so he could sleep, some times we would end up in different counties as we would drive for hours on end, past towns and people as they slept away their darkness ❤️

Conor kept me from my own dark, one night in Galway City. I remember looking out over the bay in Salthill, holding Conor who must of been close to a year old. He was just looking at me and looking out at the water and back at me again. I was standing there hugging him closely and crying my eyes out as I didn’t think I could do it any more. 

He had not slept since he was born and no matter what I did I just couldn’t help him ❤️
Everything was so quiet that night, everything was black, just the sound of the water against the rocks and the few passing cars. 

At that stage he couldn’t drink his bottle, couldn’t sit up or do any of the things he was “supposed” to do, just screamed constantly, head-banged and vomited everywhere. He ignored us all except for when he needed something. 
Back then I felt so low, lower then the ground beneath my feet as I felt what kind of mother was I that I couldn’t help my baby to sleep or couldn’t help him eat or learn how to sit up. ❤️

I think if Conor wasn’t in my arms that night at the edge I wouldn’t be here today as I knew I could never leave him in this world alone without me ❤️

He made a “Mama” sound against my chest as I held him so I went back to the car ❤️
Buckling him back in I kissed his little head and said “home Con” and we began our journey home again to Mayo ❤️

That journey home Conor slept as he always did in the Car and I wiped the tears that kept falling. 
I decided that night I wouldn’t go before Conor, I would stick it out as it couldn’t get worse than what was at the moment I was ready to say Goodbye ❤️ 

I didn’t know it back then that Conor would not be saying “mama” much longer and that soon he would regress even more to the point he was like a stranger and a ghost in our house silently living beside us but not with us ❤️ 
I didn’t know it would be years and years before I would hear his little voice again ❤️ I think I would of gone before him if I knew all that lay ahead of us but I am so glad I am still here to see the boy he has become ❤️

I don’t know what the right words are to say how you feel when you hear your child speak for the first time in almost a decade but I do know that if crying with happiness was a measure I could fill the ocean 10 times over ❤️

I have spent so many years too afraid to think about it too much and holding my breath when he almost made a sound like a word. 

You build up a wall around yourself as you’ve been so strong for too long then when it happens out of the blue you fall to pieces as you can’t believe you get to be this lucky and then I think of all the parents still waiting and I wish I could make it happen for them too as I know what it is to listen to the silence and wish for a word ❤️

So when I say thank you right now to absolutely everyone who has commented and wished Conor well or shared his video I mean it more than you can ever know ❤️ 

I am sorry I haven’t replied to everyone I am absolutely exhausted I don’t even have a name for how tired I am, it’s like 8 years of quietly hoping and wishing but afraid to say it out loud has suddenly all come at once and I am wrecked. 
I just can’t believe how lucky we really are, I didn’t believe it might still happen that Conor would speak but I always hoped it would ❤️ 

But I feel incredible pain for my friends who have children like Conor as their wait continues and I am so so sorry for that, but now my wishes and hopes will go to each of those children young and old and their parents as I know what it is to wait for a word in silence ❤️

Thank you now and always for wishing me and my family well, you may never know how much it really means to me to have Conor speak finally ❤️

He is my love and my reason for being ❤️ 

I love you Conor and I will wait long after my dying day to hear you say Mama again ❤️

Conors Voice

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