My Forever Love

Hailey

 

My Forever Love

Written By Amanda Mc Guinness.

I often look and want to cry,
Wondering how, what and why,
This is not the life I planned for you,
I wonder if you ever feel it too.

I so wanted and wished for you,
Asking god each night to give me; you,
A little girl just for me,
My little best friend, just you and me.

I feel the pain in your eyes sometimes,
Wishing I could read between the lines,
Every blink; another tear,
Wishing I could be ever near.

I had a different plan for you and me,
Happy times always, a great big family,
Always wishing for time to be;
The best mammy the world could ever see.

My heart is sore from feeling sad,
Somehow you always make me glad,
So brave, so strong; it’s plain to see,
You will always be 100 steps ahead of me.

You’re my little hero, my forever love,
There is no doubt you came from above.
You’re my sky’s brightest star,
Shining for all, no matter how far.

You are everything I wish I could have been,
My little hero with feathered wings,
So full of love, your sweet heart sings,
Helping to raise me up with every beat that it brings.

I’l always love you no matter what,
Your my hero, my star, my forever love.

 

I so love all of my children, they are my heart beat. When you become a parent of children with special needs it changes everything and everyone it touches in some manner. It has changed me as a mother, I am not  the mother now I had planned to be. I thought I would be the mother who spends her days looking after her kids, bringing them to school, packing their lunches, helping them with homework, bringing them to after school activities.

My Girl

 

I feel terrible guilt constantly that I have failed and I am failing at being a good  mother to my children. My days are spent at appointments, learning therapies, carrying out therapies, rushing from a-z, never feeling I am spending the right amount of time with each little person who calls me mammy. Never giving them enough of my time on their own, never making them feel loved enough or cared for enough.

I always worry about Hailey, I call her my forever love because she is. I love her just the same as her brothers but I can’t spend the time with her that she deserves and I can’t do all the things with her that I always promised her I would when she was small. I have to be a special needs mammy first always, as the boys needs always seem to outweigh Hailey’s on a scale of ‘who comes first’. She is my Forever Love because I tell her everyday and every night that I will love her forever no matter what. I tell her she is my best girl too and she is always surprized and says “me!” and I say “of course you, I asked god for the best girl and he gave me you” .

Hailey and Conor

I think she sounds surprised because she is. There are so many times when I have had to rush off mid-conversation with her to stop one of the boys hurting themselves or help one of them fend for themselves. The lump in my throat acts like a yo yo in my stomach going  up and down when the guilt of failing to be a good mammy to Hailey takes hold. I think we all feel guilt as parents but when I think back of the life I had ‘planned’ to have with my future children I feel a soul destroying guilt. I always try to gulp down that lump in my throat and somehow change the thought pattern as I know where it leads me and how hard it is to get back.

I wrote the poem “My Forever Love” one night after a really hard day helping one of my little men who was really struggling that day. I had planned to spend the evening watching a movie with Hailey but I was so exhausted I had to tell her we will do it another time. She looked up at me with her sad eyes, gave me a little smile and said ” I know mammy, you have a rest and we can have our movie night another time”, she put her tiny arms around me and gave me such a squeeze I burst into tears. She was startled and asked why I was crying, I told her I was so tired and I felt sad that I was too tired to have our special night. She gave me another hug and said ” don’t feel sad mammy I love you” and I thought to myself, how lucky am I to have such a kind little girl who has had to endure so many struggles in her little life and yet she is still so kind and thoughtful. She is forever full of love for everyone, so selfless all of the time.

Hailey

Always helping her brothers, always picking up after them. Looking out for them, speaking up for them. I will never fully realize how special and amazing she is, words cannot quantify my love for her and all she has done and will do for her brothers.

I hope she knows how much I love her and am so very proud of her. I will love you forever Hailey, no matter what.xxxx

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