Life is normal now

Normal Now

Jack and Conor

They say that “time is a healer” and I think that maybe that is true. If you told me that 12 months ago; I would have cried with the anger, pain and fear I was trying to overcome at that time. Angry that autism had claimed my youngest son now as well as his big brother, pain that I could of done more for him if I had known sooner and fear that I just wasn’t ever going to be able to do enough to help him. [Read more…]

Books with Special Needs Characters

Special Need Books [Read more…]

It is not your fault

It is not your fault It can be bittersweet sometimes watching the boys as they play happily on their own. Peeping through Conor’s bedroom door I watch as he happily throws his Angry Bird Teddies up, up, up in to the imagined sky I think he sees above his head. I find myself just then swallowing down a deep sorrowful pain I can feel rising in my chest that always seems to start in the pit of my stomach somehow. It feels sort of like a balloon expanding but pushing up, up, up into the sky waiting to break free just like Conor’s teddies but it is the most sorrowful and painful feeling I have ever experienced in my life. It comes and goes and can catch you off guard sometimes just like one of Conor’s “flying” Angry Bird teddies which ¬†have been known to “ping” you on the head when you pass Conor’s bedroom if his door is open. His teddies much like that sorrowful feeling can catch you by surprize and steal the peace you thought you had in your heart.x

Jack just like his big brother Conor loves to play on his own, I know he loves me but for the most part he likes to be on his own, playing in his world, lining up his toy cars, listening to Bingo the Dog or Wheels on the Bus. Sometimes I think if I hear “The Wheels on the Bus go round and round” one more time my heart could burst with the pain I feel inside. Not because I can’t bare to listen to it the million times a day Jack has it on repeat but because I know that in some way on some level that is how Jack copes in our world. Having his songs on repeat all day long reminds me that just like me he is doing his best to cope, to live his “normal” in our world.x

It is not your fault [Read more…]

Face the fear and do it anyway

face the fear and do it anyway

Face the fear and do it anyway.x

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to when I was young; somehow, back then things always seemed to turn out alright.x I remember being small and afraid of the dark, afraid of monsters under my bed, or unknown noises in the dark. Back then all it took was for my dad to leave the hall light on for me at night or my Mum to check under my bed, to give me the all clear so I knew I was safe. I remember that feeling of relief that everything was going to be alright. No matter what the problem was if Mum or Dad said it would be okay, then I knew it would be.x

I sometimes find myself wishing to be that young again; when that was all it took for me to know things would turn out alright in the end somehow. Over the last few months I have found myself struggling with the weight of the responsibility of what now rests on my shoulders, the reality of having two little boys who are unable to speak, who have Autism and SPD, Developmental Delay and Intellectual Disability, who rely solely on me to survive now and in the future. I think every parent feels that way from time to time but I feel it more acutely with Conor and Jack then I do with Hailey, as they rely on me so completely all of the time, it can be so breathtakingly overwhelming.x [Read more…]

What I learned this past year

Jack "helping" tidy the Christmas Tree last Christmas.x

Jack “helping” tidy the Christmas Tree last Christmas.x

[Read more…]

When Santa can’t help

1510946_10152551828518298_464121583_nI think the song goes “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” and it is, mostly.

I have always loved Christmas, loved Santa, loved the super cheesy but festive Christmas songs you hear in all the shops in November and December. It really can be the most wonderful time of the year, but it can catch you off guard too in the most unexpected way. Just when you are busy rushing around like everyone else in the toy shops, in the Department stores, standing in the line of children queuing up to see the most famous man in the world who happens to wear a red suit, it will just hit you. [Read more…]

When dreams come true

Waiting for his voice

Sometimes when I look back to before I knew Conor had Special Needs I get a lump in my throat, my heart tightens a little and that almost hollow aching pain in my chest starts. I know it is heartbreak and a sort of “longing” that I feel, I don’t know how to explain it completely into words, but if you have ever felt lost or longing, wishful for a moment in your past to be your present again you will know that feeling all too well.¬† [Read more…]

Book Shelf

9780252080319I have been asked many times what books I have read that I have found most useful. Over the years I have read so many, that I can’t remember them all until I find myself reading a “new” book only to realize I had bought and read the same one many years ago lol!x

I am incredibly lucky as I have many lovely friends in the Special Needs Community who are always at hand to recommend brilliant books that are worth paying for and will be on your book shelf for years to come when you need them. I have decided to write this post for new parents of children diagnosed as having Autism or SPD in particular. As both my boys have Autism and SPD this post will focus on those topics for books but will also include some books that fall under the umbrella term “Special Needs”, so you may just find some good books for your own book shelf. [Read more…]

The No Sleep Week

Image Source -Fb/Crazylittlepeople

Image Source -Fb/Crazylittlepeople

You may have noticed I have been unusually quiet on here this past week. Well let me tell you why lol! Two super cute boys, one who is almost 6 and one who has just turned 2 decided to have a week of no sleep. [Read more…]

Little Boy Lost

The photo that breaks my heart.xxxx
The photo that breaks my heart.xxxx

My Little Boy Lost

When I see Conor, I only see him, not Autism, not SPD, not anything else, just him. I see his lovely eyes, his sweet smile, I hear his gentle laugh, I feel the softness in his skin when he touches my face. I see him when he flaps his hands, I see him when he twirls around, I hear him when he screeches when he is happy, I hold him tight when he is glad, hug him a little tighter when he is sad.x I listen every hour of every day for his voice to find it’s way back to me. I love him now and forever more, come what may I will love him long after my dying day.xx

I hope when the day comes that I am gone from this world, my lovely Conor has grown up to be the handsome, kind young man I know he is meant to be. I hope by then his voice has found it’s way back, that he can tell all the world how he feels. I hope he will remember how much I have loved him and will always love him. I hope he will always remember the good times, the fun times we have had and above all I hope he will forget the sad. [Read more…]