Archives for May 23, 2016

It is not your fault

It is not your fault It can be bittersweet sometimes watching the boys as they play happily on their own. Peeping through Conor’s bedroom door I watch as he happily throws his Angry Bird Teddies up, up, up in to the imagined sky I think he sees above his head. I find myself just then swallowing down a deep sorrowful pain I can feel rising in my chest that always seems to start in the pit of my stomach somehow. It feels sort of like a balloon expanding but pushing up, up, up into the sky waiting to break free just like Conor’s teddies but it is the most sorrowful and painful feeling I have ever experienced in my life. It comes and goes and can catch you off guard sometimes just like one of Conor’s “flying” Angry Bird teddies which ┬áhave been known to “ping” you on the head when you pass Conor’s bedroom if his door is open. His teddies much like that sorrowful feeling can catch you by surprize and steal the peace you thought you had in your heart.x

Jack just like his big brother Conor loves to play on his own, I know he loves me but for the most part he likes to be on his own, playing in his world, lining up his toy cars, listening to Bingo the Dog or Wheels on the Bus. Sometimes I think if I hear “The Wheels on the Bus go round and round” one more time my heart could burst with the pain I feel inside. Not because I can’t bare to listen to it the million times a day Jack has it on repeat but because I know that in some way on some level that is how Jack copes in our world. Having his songs on repeat all day long reminds me that just like me he is doing his best to cope, to live his “normal” in our world.x

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